A turn to Ambition

I used to be really okay with the idea of being ordinary, the average, the mainstream or whatever you would like to call it. And there were even times that I prided myself on being so 'self-aware', I considered those who thought of themselves as superior as the deluded and the arrogant. So, I've always thought of myself as part of the conscious majority; well-informed of the fact that I must lie somewhere near the median of all that greatness. But today, it stumbled upon me that that sense of self-righteousness I've been harboring all along did not make me a modest being deserving of reverence - it made me a hypocrite.

In my mind, I've always been a striver. I've always wanted to win so bad that the thought of not achieving success scares me so much, I have to convince myself that it's not important just so I wouldn't have to confront a reality where failure is a possibility. Every time I got a bad grade, I feel so sick inside, I make myself believe that it's not because I can't, but it's because I don't do the right things or follow the correct steps. And often it's true. I didn't do the right things, because I've always thought of myself as lesser. But the reality is that I am lesser because I made myself think so. Completely undeserving of brilliance but always, always wanting some of it.

And it seems, almost two decades of mediocrity can lead one to a lot of brooding. I've always wondered if things would have gone down a different path if I've picked schools out of merits rather than conveniences and if my grades would have been better if I've worked a little harder. I know, that's a lot of 'if's in one sentence. But it's an important word. It's important that people find time to reflect and consider all those possible ex-options and their 'what-ifs'. Somehow, I'm so inclined to finding the right reasons to explain my compulsion to be wrong that I've forgotten that real success is just a plan- put into action- away. I remembered that the reasons formed an endless loop; some real, some invented. And now, all those reasons have just become excuses for failures and a buffer to prevent disappointment.

A very unremarkable seventeen year-old me was once okay with 'the very average-sized of shoes that Society has been molding for years' for me. All my un-achievements subtitled by the reasons and excuses of why they couldn't have been better within parentheses. But often there are these brief moments where epiphanies beat you up so gravely, you just have to look back and examine each cause and effect. This is one of them and I cannot be more thankful.

Although this seems like it should have been posted last year before the year ended, I think this comes as a fittingly well-timed entry to mark the return to a new school semester. It's the beginning of everything again. A clean slate, a fresh start, a time where I am still some time away from my prophesied lapse into indifference. Because for a large part of my life, every resolution that I've made have been tagged with the expectation of their corresponding failure (as my very supportive friends and family never fail to enthusiastically remind me). So this year, I'll have no resolutions, because I know I am not a resolute person. But I would already have done the most important things: to recognize that ambition is not a dirty word and that it's really okay to be ambitious and want something you might or might not be deserving of because it's really no one business what you want. And not see a constant need to repress that sense of ambition, killing all motivation and drive in the process.

The problem is that I'll have to find some way to remind myself of this everyday- that failure is even worst than not trying hard enough.