Before anything else..

The first few days of the new year have been a blur.

I have had a very few groggy days slipping in and out of consciousness because of the medication and the boredom. Just yesterday/today, I made myself a bowl of mac and cheese at 4am because there was nothing to do and my inner insomniac simply refused to be contained. Actually, it has been like this a lot these days; half-failed culinary projects, episodes and episodes of tv shows, film after film and sleep in between all of them. Somehow, this may look idyllic in words but it's in reality really depressingly slow moving. Meaningless.

They had meaning when they were still guilty little pleasures that you coveted because you knew each hour spent watching greys or some other show was an hour that could be used on overdue readings and tutorials. But when time presents itself in such a featureless vacuum, such hankerings naturally become the granted and the given. Then they become the given up. They become just.. these intermittent pursuits of nothing to fill up large lulls of time in this holiday-induced dreariness. When what we have always wanted become what's granted, it just becomes so unremarkable. Why is it that we always only want what we can't have?

So when I lie on my bed and try to sleep after just waking up again and again, and feel the weight of boredom. I remind myself of the timetable that the new school semester will bring. The morning classes and the impending onslaught of tests and examinations that will mean more and more as they approach. Then I allow myself to remember that I am still allowed to take pleasure in doing nothing.

So that is the very unexciting first five days of 2011 for me.