Again and Again

Feeling particularly contemplative this night, after a day of so much spending on things that I'll probably use only once, that my heart is still aching from it all. You know, it's a recession after all, times are probably as bad as they are sounding all over the papers and the news. I'm feeling one of those random surges of appreciation and gratitude for the stuff that I have and am getting. I'm so thankful for all the things that I have, but I know I'll never really find the strength to break the silence and say thank you. It's just one of those things.

This week went by too fast. Too little time to think, too little space to myself and too little sleep :( The preliminary trainings were pretty fun. Found it a little hard at first to break out of whatever private space that I have been creating this entire year to actually socialise and be genuine about it. It has been so long since I've actually wanted to speak to people. Thank goodness, I finally found some way to do that and be sincere about it. It's like as if this whole year has been spent around people, whose faces I can hardly remember and personalities that I would want to distance myself from. Where are the good, old people that I use to know?Well, its not that I'm some friendless pathetic thing wallowing in all that self-absorbed self-pity. Its just that things seem so different from how they were a year ago. Anyway, training was fun. Dance lessons were actually very enjoyable. It also sort of made me realise that thresholds are meant to be broken and conquered. Its like this sudden epiphany, leading me to realise that there is an ever real and pressing need to break free from my sedentary, unhealthy lifestyle. I can only say, I'm putting a lot into working my way out of this feebleness.

A little bit more each day, a little stronger each day.

I also met up with guides on friday! So happy leh.
<3 <3 <3
It's been such a long time since I've seen them! Still the same crazy, people that I can laugh, poke fun at and talk to. Friends are hard to come by, I think we should all learn to keep the close ones even closer. There are many times where I'll sit up in the middle of the night wondering if I'm all alone and if my friends have all moved on. The worse part about moving on is that there are people who will somehow be left behind. Disloyalty? I don't think so, its just life. People all make choices and I think we should all be allowed to make them, but I also think that it's important to accept consequences and take responsibility. We all want to be the one who's hurt, the one who did no wrong, but then, we are all so caught up with ourselves sometimes that we fail to see that we are the ones who have done something wrong or said something mean. Well, it all comes down to taking responsibility.

Speaking of bad consequences, I shall speak about my tragic haircut. Remember secondary three's by-a-curve-ruler experimental fringe? It's back for a reprise. I have no idea what the hell happened at the hairdresser's, I swear. She might just as well have just put a bowl over my head. I hate bangs. I hate chinese-speaking hairdressers. I hate people who cut my hair without making sure that I understand how it's gonna look like after it's cut. Ahhh- major crap. I feel so self-conscious everytime I cut my hair, it's just so awful :/ I think if I was in secondary one/two I would have posted a very uhm...interesting single handed self-portraits that we often see too much.

A series of unconnected mishaps all pointing to my suay-ness. I have no words whatsoever left, I just know that i'm very very tired and ready to sleep now and perhaps wake up again tomorrow to start things all over again and again.

Love,
Xinzi