Smite

What do I have to offer?
You tell me. Because I have no idea, at all.

What I know about myself is limited to what I think I want to be and very little of what I am now. What I know about myself now seems to be a long line of adjectives like confused, lost, distracted...and the list goes on. I don't know where I am going, directionless.

Like a deer caught in the headlights. I don't know what I want, where I want to be in five years time and heck(!) , I don't even know where I want to be tomorrow. It's like I am always living in the shadows of others, its like I am never going to be anywhere near good.

Well,

I am not the smart one.
I am not the nice one.
I am not the one who can do housework.
So what am I?

I realise my family has nothing positive to say about me at all.

"I bet you all lost again."
(Note: I didn't even debate. I just went TO WATCH a debate.)

Lets just say that it sorts of influence a lot on the way I think and the path I think I want to take. I just want to flee. Leave my family and run away from all of them and never be found again. I hate the way they love to magnify flaws and failures and write off any sort of achievements as accidents. But yet, I know they are unhappy when I sort of don't do well. That makes me want to don't do well even more. I don't know what sort of dysfunctional family I live in, they make me want to run away and they make me uncomfortable, really. I can't even find any incentive for me to want to have any success. ha ha ha. I really think I lead a sad life.

I can only eat the humble pie and swallow it gratefully because at least I have something to eat. I can only look out for neon signs that appear suddenly out of nowhere and take them as they come. Run fast enough to never get caught up by the past.

Xinzi