Surviving

I keep convincing myself, this grief of school that I put myself through day by day, is imaginary. Crazy little things happen to me when I am in school, it's like I stop learning and I just want to run home, sneak under the covers to play Word Chain on facebook and watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer kick some vampires' asses. And the thing is, I do that. I go home at 12.30 even though I have lessons, I skip lectures and tutorials too, burn my homework and bunk debate trainings and the MUN meetings. Scholarship? That's as near as a distant star with my stellar grades.

I am that weird, I know, but hey, voted most likely to be an alien by a friend on facebook doesn't help further the cause. Or does it?

Tomorrow's sports day and I am not going to go to school and it is going to be cool because I get to stay at home all day and maybe start to work on my four papers. It's kind of tight, the schedule, the line-up, everything. I thought I got it all sorted out, a week ago. KI's paper first, followed by the CSE ones then the literature one, but well, I guess putting things off result in a collision of whats on the social calendar and the homework sphere- things kind of suck. I guess that's it, my irresponsibility did me in this time, I am just kind of wondering when's Mr Tong going to come down on me for coming to school late like what, twenty times this term? Things cannot be undone, but I seem to be only falling deeper. I thought I was resolved enough, but its apparently inadequate.

I miss my friends, girl guides, the rubbishy things that we use to do back in secondary school, I used to be such a school person. Hanging around back in school in the guides' room just to talk, go crazy and bitch and do i don't know what, but now, it seems that every time the bell rings and when i know that it is 12.30, i just want to dash across the road and run home. Sleep, maybe do something more interesting, like watch TV. I just need to get away, leave. But yet, contradictorily I don't want to get kicked out of TJC. I guess I need the graduation as an eventual ascension to the greener pastures, expulsion wouldn't help much. Rargh. Life is what is going on that I can't make any sense of, at a risk of going wax lyrical about the dismal of life and what's not, I just want to understand what's going on.

The craziness and the sudden outbursts and moodswings, not PMS for sure. Shouldn't be clinical as well. I've got issues and I see the urgencies and I don't really want to wait till the day I get called up to the principal's office to sign expulsion letters to regret and cry. I worked my ass off to get into the school, the traumatic appealing process takes a huge part of that work and I tell you, it's not what I thought it'd be worth. But since I've worked and I'll never get that wasted time and efforts back, it's be prime if I stay put, work hard, get promoted to J2 and if the heavens are kind, let me actually do well and get As. With that said, its not like as if I've been failing anything, truth be told, I haven't failed anything yet with the exception of this piece of math crap that I thought was a random class work but turned out to be a timed asessment (reads: TEST) well, it had "Math Tidbit" as a title, how serious did you think you'd reckon it to be?

I think I have done it again. Launched into a stream of consciousness and proved Freud right once more, going on and on about my poor little life. Random musings gone too far. But, even with all that shit that is all, all's still swell. There are still things I am going to look forward to. Arts Festival, China, ASEAN Plus, Dialogue with SM Goh and definitely the next episode of Gossip Girl Season Two.

Life's still going to go on (:

Love,
Xinzi