Never Again

Makes me wonder, why I never thought of working harder so I can get out of this place faster. I know it's strange how come anyone wants to leave home that badly, but I can tell you how home is not home anymore. Home to me is a catalyst on my path to self-destruction.

It is incomprehensible, the words I want to say to my father in my head, I wish never would anyone have to repeat the words unto their parents. It's fucking depressing everytime I see his shoes outside because this just means I'll face his bloody upbraiding and his "words of advice" on how terrible a person I have become. Oh thank you, that's all you have ever let me know, that I suck and I will continue to do so forever more. If its any consolation, his words make me love myself even more but yet estranges me from the world and everyone else. I think this really shows how successful a parent he is, when you have a child publicly complaining.

I really do hate him. He may be willing to spend on me but it comes not without a price that is disparagingly disproportionate to the cost. If he has taught me anything, it is to show me what kind of person I should never become. He never fails to disgust me with his uncivillised way of living his life but I know that would never make me hate him that much. It is the way that he thinks everyone owes him something. It is of course true that I owe him much, but I know myself that this is merely a fiscal relationship. I swear, when I grow up and start making money, I'll payback every single cent that I owe him, not one cent less or more and then I'll leave and never come back. He predicted this and has repeated this to me many times but he has no idea, that he is the Maker of his own future and I'll do this because he said it. And you know what, I will indeed do so.

Life is so fucked up.

Xinzi