In This Life

did you know, in Singapore, you can only lose your passport once in your lifetime? it is sad to hear people use "in your lifetime" because it makes me wonder, how much time exactly makes up the rest of my life. people come and people leave, its what you really leave behind that really matters the most. like wilted flowers, like fallen maple leaves at fall and that stark, lone reed in the darkness. we are all searching but never too sure of what we are searching for, and never be found. people die clueless, lost, never sure of their little place in the world. its crazy, the purposes of living that we are all so desperately driven by, and when people have cash registers for brains and their heart, a bottom line. (haha) its crazy, its beautiful, its uncertain. what is unwritten is uncertain, what is uncertain is hope. like the withering branches of a winter.

i can pretend that life starts from any moment that i want it to. i can pretend that people i dislike don't exist. i can pretend that cures for cancers exist. i can pretend that its okay to be fat and ugly. i can pretend that the people i love will never leave. i would. but, i can never pretend, that i am not pretending. living life in pretense is like a self-deluding process, a self-written tale with an infinite number of "if onlys", the countless occasions you wish you said something you really mean instead of something else, only to think about it later. it's inexplicable, things that you chance upon and probably also how come expensive graphic calculators self destruct after you attempt a little do-it-yourself to update the operating system.

all the answers are over the rainbow, nicely written into the skies like the stars that shine but you never stop to see, hidden behind the clouds and in that neverending trail of speeding cars on the road or even perhaps among the windows of the skyscrapers, neatly tucked away for you to find.

answers are the things you want the most badly-
in this lifetime (:

xinzi