Tomorrowland

this overbearing, superlative feeling that threatens to overthrow all of your conscience, your freewill, your consciousness. there's something chimerical about this uncertainty, yet there's the promised beauty in it that you want to make yourself believe in, but know you don't. this deja vu; this knotted mess somewhere in you, feels the ever present, ever impending threat that you want to come in a way you expect it to.

you want to gripe and you want to grouse. yet you know that it's only propriety that is obviously keeping you from do so. because you know they are all like us, invariably bothered by it yet faced with the same heavy weight of THIS propriety set by you and me.

so, you know you can't complain....

even when life screws up and throws a long queue of irritating individuals that you fulminate against and force you to deal with them with a BIG FAKE smile. the long living hours trapped behind planned countenance that you execute with the perfect precision and perfect mask. the intangibility of existence, the many countless questions that you know you have no answers to haunt you. there's grief in you that's never going to fade away until you know.

im' just really glad that in times of sheer emo-ness thoughtfulness, i have friends that can listen to me, and don't judge me. it was kind of like an epiphany, this deep, conversation with them, i think i heard a part of myself that i've been trying to kill for a long time and i've come to a conclusion that i really want to KILL OFF this part of me for good. it just doesnt make much sense anyway.

this persistent trouble elicits tears that i know won't appear. i need to purge all this baggage and live properly, it's unhealthy to be so depress all the time and from another perspective and looking at all of this nonsense objectively...my issue seems so so so so so small, yet my debility to handle my problems has allowed this to escalate into something that is actually affecting me. tsktsk, i need to mature man, i should stop wallowing in self-pity. when i think about some of the stuff that others are facing, i feel ashamed at my own fixation with my own problems.

"with all that she gives, and with all that she has given."

XINZI