hard day today. sending grandma on her final journey to the columbarium was a painstaking one, though physically smooth in reality it was treacherous and choppy for us inside. we were all struggling and somehow still a little unwilling in even trying to cope with the new found loss of our beloved grandma and mother. damn it, even up till this point im having so much trouble. morning was just awful, everyone broke down, aunties and uncles, my dad, cousins, everyone just wept freely next to the coffin. the closure of the cortege was the most mortifying and most painful moment, to me. i just stood there dumbfounded, waving goodbye. but, the actual fact was i didnt want to say goodbye, i wanted to say, come back, come back now. wake up and come back. but it obviously wasnt the case. yes, so we did it, followed in much anguish behind the cold, white casket till the main road junction. it was quiet, no fanciful fanfare, no brass band, it was silent, discreet and subtle, just as my grandma willed before. as i was on the bus to the crematorium, a lot of memories from the past just flooded by, one by one, scene by scene, everything from day one. i have to admit, in my recollection, i was a terrible grandchild to her, but i realised i changed a lot for the better towards her when i was in secondary two. however, it's only two short years, i dare to say i have been nice to her. the rest, was a blurry hybridization of rebellion and disrespect. it guilts me just to merely speak of these words. i watched as the coffin was lowered into the cremation chamber. that was the ouch part. it was like...a realization that, grandma was gone. yikes. that was just so screwed...more memories came flooding by agn. we were suppose to go into the viewing hall and watch the coffin being pushed into the furnace. but then, i decided against that for it was just too agonizing. so i didnt go. i just went downstairs to sit and wait for the rest of my family to come down. yeah. after much crying, we went back, i carried grandma's picture and sat in the car. it was stuffy, and hot, i swore i nearly puked. after reaching back home, i was tired. rest for a while before leaving again to collect the ashes. grandma's bones were good. i found much consolation in her bones. MUCH. i know shes happy. yes. it's a goodbye, but hello will come soon, i know. thanks for all that came down.

anyway, im totally in love with Apocalyptica. this cello quartet that does metallica covers and their own original. very very intoxicating, very nice. i like it very much. i present nothing else matters by Apocalyptica...

arent u impressed?