gone ):

i'll be strong and brave, for your sake
pls live well, wherever you are.
i love you (:

my grandma passed away at 5.35am this morning. a sudden wave of grief that hit me right in the face, caught me unaware. i had spent the whole of last night, convincing myself that its best for her to leave us. everyday was a suffering day in pain for grandma, it pains me just to see her in that terrible ache that leaves her whining in pain. it just hurts so much. well, worse part, no one told be that she had passed away, i heard it from foongyee, not related, no relations. goodness gracious. my tears are flowing ever so freely as i type this post i wished i nvr had to type, but i just knw i have to. its just almost mandatory that i record this down. i love her so much, she was my life and my pathetic little world certainly did revolve around her. raising me, she took me under her care and brought me up as i am today. im no great person, but i will be soon. im feeling so remorseful now, recollecting the evil deeds i've done...refusing to bathe, to eat, to do homework, incurring her worry...i seriously have done her no good. gosh. come back will you? my heart is tearing apart, capillary by capillary, vein by vein, artery by artery, muscle by muscle, its breaking down. i knw the meaning of moving on, but do u realise how much im so unwilling to let go. ur departure have left me grieving, i shant be weak, my aunties need me, my papa needs me. im going to do what u want me to do, be a good kid, be obedient and live a good life. as i look into the coffin and stare at ur lifeless body that has already morphed into an entirely different person from who u used to be. i realise, the person in the coffin is no longer my grandma, just like a broken down vehicle waiting to be disposed off, the body is merely just a temporary storage for ur spirit, ur everlasting soul. life is eternal, do not worry, for i knw, departing and leaving that broken old shell of yours, is going to deliver you from all ur pain and anguish. time, i knw would be the medicine. lets all grieve. its necessary to grieve when we are sad, to elevate our emotions, we should nvr allow this emotional builtup in us to continue building. honestly, i doubt grandma wans us to be like that. lets all be strong and brave, life goes on, we must not show any signs of defeat, if its best this way, lets all believe that its the best. and we shall not just merely think of our own selfish selves. its a new beginning, a new life, a new happy life, lets just be glad for her. lets not tie her down in this terrible earth in a bad old body thats failing. im just glad that she left us peacefully, 3 sighs, and shes gone. yes, goodbye grandma, im sure u are in a better place now, and definitely happier. pls dont worry about me. i may be crying, i may be grieving, but i'll recover and bounce back soon, im strong and mighty! i'll study harder for ur glory alright! temasek junior college, let that be a future, not a wish. i'll work doubly hard to let u see me in the school. whatever it is, dont worry, just leave, peacefully, we'll all do what we can to see u through ur last of the last days. gone in flesh u may be, but whats matter is the spirit, let ur strong spirit and memories stay forged in the warrens of my mind. i'll always remember you. i'll always never forget to say goodbye to you. so here it is, my final farewell, my dearest grandma whos always been closer to me than a mother, goodbye grandma.

knowing you in these short 15 years is the best thing that ever happened. i love you (: